Being me..

There are reasons in every actions that I take... Yes, I'm doing something because of something something... There's a reason why I become what I am now... I'm not ignorant, I'm just trying to laid back... easy person and calm... I'm trying to get things done not with anger and hatred, just a fun feeling and finally resulting a win win solution.....

Whenever I feel sad, anger and hatred, those feelings made me down.... I have this tendency to feel depression, and I don't want it... Bipolar Disorder.... Though I haven't been diagnosed as a bipolar, but yes, I have the tendency to become one. I don't want it, I don't want to live as a loner girl..... I don't want to take pills... I don't want to have to meet a shrink once a week or once a month... It's hard you know, to have control to those negative thoughts and feelings...

I've been trying to give myself all to God, some positive changes do happen, slow one, but sure.. So bear with me.. I need to adapt and I need you to understand it... Don't push me too hard.... Because all I can do now is crying....

Some Scraps

So.. Here's the story...

Ha3! I don't know what to write, so let me write a story... :) Here goes...

====================================================

Mr. Magnifico, let's just say that's his name. Born as a great and smart man, some people said that it's so unfortunate that's he's gay, but some just 'Hey, it's ok'. Being a very smart critical handsome gay man for him is either easy or just simply plainly hard.... He loves with the studying activity and sometime people tend to see him as a snob person. He has a job out of town and quite interesting. That's about Mr. Magnifico.

Ms. Perfecto, a woman that has big curiosity and so in love with the people around her. She loves her moody feelings, but sometimes she just feels left behind. She wants to make people around her happy, and if she thinks she failed to make them smile, she could shed tears. Feels like unworthy. Ah, Ms. Perfecto!

So, there they are, two friends in this big world, with many problems, trying to solve their own problems and filling up for each other. They love to take chances and risks together, and when they together, craziness is all their need to complete their life. Walking around the big city until midnight, circling, laughing, telling stories, catching up with the life, with one to some bottles of mineral water and minute maid, one to two packs of cigarettes.

Separated by few hundreds miles, when they meet, they just being themselves. No hiding. No party costume. No masquerade. Just being naked, psychologically. Loving each moment shared together, it's just they way they are enjoying life.

When they separates, they just go back to their life with make up and some costume party.... and a mask.... How pity....

Mr. Magnifico, in love, psychologically, not physically, with a guy in his town where he lives now. Trying hard to maintain the love story for both of them, because he said, he loves him.

Ms. Perfecto, after one man to another, she just need to have a strong relationship. She is making an effort to become more patient, and there she is, between past and present. As the others being cut off from her life, why is the past still here? She just needs her present to be the future....

Mr. Magnifico and Ms. Perfecto....

Ngacak-ngacak!

Something juz bugged my poor mind these few days... ah.. why in English? Easier to say and write... LOL.. Well, here goes...

I feel.... uhm.... intimidated? I'm not sure that is the correct word... uhm... well, psychologically said perhaps... ha3!! ok ok, this is going to be hard... :P Well, in terms of the heart and relationship stuff, I don't like to be compared to..... other girl or basically the previous girlfriend... Perhaps the person didn't mean to do it, perhaps me juz being very sensitive.. Yup, that's juz me, being sensitive.. LOL..

It is fine with me if I have to changed my attitude to something which is better, to make the better me, but I juz kinda don't like if the person always said, 'my x was this... was that...'. It's kinda hurt, and somehow I got the signal that I should be like your x? Wtf? I'm not!

Well.. I don't know... These are juz my thoughts... Random thoughts... a very random one! :P

I tried to get used to of his way, but somehow I didn't get the same respond, you know, tried to adjust with my thoughts and ways, try to understand me, perhaps? So hard yah.... Lol....

Well, here I am, still standing at the crossroads, waiting.....

..........-_-!

TERUSIK!!!

Gw bencik kalau tiba-tiba gw down begini....

SEBALLL!!!

BENCIKKK!!!!

GAK TAHUUUU AAHHH!!!!!!

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....BLAH!....

Isn't it funny, when you've decided to step back, suddenly his images keep showing in your dreams? Hah! That's what I've seen in my dreams last night, and I woke up so confused. LOL... yeah, what's with the confusion? I dunno... U tell me...

and headache.. yeah.. headache all night long....

Right Timing...

Last nite....

To: 0856170****

Hey, sorry to say this, it's juz strange, I'm depressed... I'm tired, I'm alone, oh wao.. So weird... :(

....Sending Message.... Delivered...

1 min later..

1 message received from 0856170****

read...

'Ha? What happen to the butterflies?'

reply...

To: 0856170****

I don't know, that is so strange, it's juz suddenly I feel scared and depressed. Weird huh.. Perhaps at some point I need to slow down in everything in my life, but I'm scared, if I slow it down, I loose 'em all... This is so weird...

....Sending Message.... Delivered...

2 mins later..

1 message received from 0856170****

read...

'I'm @ depok, you want to meet somewhere?'

......thinking.....

reply...

To: 0856170****

That's too far, it's ok, nut u know what, funny thing is, I would love to get high now... This is stupid...

....Sending Message.... Delivered...

so very quickly...

1 message received from 0856170****

read...

'Ha? Like weed high? Where are you? And why do you run to stupid things when you're depressed?'

..... started smiling..... giggling....

reply...

To: 0856170****

I don't know, ha3!! I'm juz feeling like weeds high, I'm juz sayin', relax, I'm @ my crib... I cried, I luaghed, I was @ a blank point, everything on my bed. I didn't do anything stupid. I guess I'm juz tired pleasing ppl & depressed of loosing 'em all if I don't pleased them and I did bad @ work. I don't know if I could do this anymore. I'm cracking up. I think. Funny, huh...

....Sending Message.... Delivered...

few minutes later.....

1 message received from 0856170****

read...

'Well.. It's time for a little for yourself I guess...'

reply...

To: 0856170****

I think so... Thx man..

....Sending Message.... Delivered...

many minutes later...

1 message received from 0856170****

read..

'Welcome... Get a vacation!!'

reply...

To: 0856170****

Ha3!! Yeah, I think I shud...

....Sending Message.... Delivered...

and I slept directly.... and I miss that curly hair man.... yeah, those butterflies were there because of him... if he only knew.... :)

UPDATING!!!

It's been like ages I didn't update my blog. Oh well, because twitter and plurk, I really couldn't write anything more than 140 characters. LOL... So, here we go...

What recently happened with me? Not much, I've been living as 'unofficially' single for few months now, and somehow, I think I'm preparing myself to be officially single. It's hard though, but I have to try, love can be unrealistic, but now I have to learn to be realistic, to use my logic. That's hard... he3x...

What have I been doing? I've been doing many things, from my real job to my side jobs that would take my morning sleep... yeah, been lack of sleep almost 1 month, because I finished my side job in the morning, and most of them are post productions. Oh well, I

m having fun though with it. :)

What else.. what else? Oh, I think I have a crush for someone, but let me cool down for awhile, think it through all over again, and perhaps this is the one for me.. Amen... Since we have the same faith, why not I promised myself that this has to be the last one? I'm tired of the uncertainty in love.. Though I know love is uncertain most of the time... But just this one O' Lord, to complete what I've been missing a lot.... If he is the one for me, let it be Your will, because You know what's best for me.. :)

Uhm... what else what else... not much again, I've take some diet pills, I think I'm too much now... lol... I need to wear some of the old good stuffs U have... he3x..

Oh well, I think that's it for now... Will continue later... Ciao Amigo!! :) tee hee..

Smaller is great!

Abis dari rumah sakit, gue turun 10 kilo, not only that, kulit muka jadi bagus. Wakakkaka!!! Tapi tetep aja gue masih merasa minder, karena emang bibir aja belum beres, masih item warnanya... Sebal... 

Dokter bilang gue harus mulai sangat mengurangi berat badan dan mulai makan yang bener supaya lebih sehat lagi. Keringat lebih banyak lagi, setidaknya di dunia pekerjaan gue ini, gue harus banyak bergerak. Entah naik turun tangga kantor atau apapun kalau gue gak sempet olahraga. Emang gak sempet sih, pulang dari ktr aja malem, apalagi kalau ada side job, wah bisa gak pulang ke rumah pas weekend. 

Satu-satunya jalan yang kepikiran ma gue adalah, mulai mencari side job lagi, membuat gue sibuk, sehingga gue banyak gerak atrau mikir, lalu makan sedikit deh. Yeay! Setidaknya 3 hari ini gue berhasil menurunkan 2 kilo lagi, celana gue udah mampir di pinggul semua! 

Ladies love small numbers, right? Hak3!!! Pastinya!

But my boyfriend kinda dislike it... dan gue sempat tegang ma dia karena hal itu, gak cuman itu sih, dia lagi banyak banget kerjaan! Plenty of it! Sedangkan gue lagi side jobless banget! Kita jadi gak ada waktu untuk duduk lagi berdua, ngobrol about anything! Dari ngegosipin bos-bos di kantor ampe peritilan di kehidupan masing-masing. I miss those moments yang kita bercanda gak penting, ketawa ketiwi, ngobrolin apa aja yang kelewat di otak dan cuman berdua aja. 

Iya, semalem sepanjang ngerjain subtitle film, gue ma dia berantem, bt2an, tegang, galak2an, sindir menyindir..... dan gue sebel banget! Nyampe kost, gue sebel, gue nangis, karena kita lagi di tahap saling tidak mengerti satu sama lain. 

Oia, back to the problem sang pacar tak mengerti kalau I need to have my body numbers getting smaller. Dia sendiri yang bilang kalau pas dia meluk gue, he likes it because it's smaller... See?!?! 

Argh, sebal!!! Ampe bingung mau nulis apalagi... 

Tampaknya saya tidak akan bertemu dia hari ini....

tears drop...

koq gue dalam waktu kurang dari 12 jam, udah nangis 2 kali yah? Bingung euy.. Gue lagi cape banget kali yah? Gue marah, kesel, bt, dan gak ngerti mesti ngapain lagi. Alasan gue menangis pertama kali adalah, pacar membatalkan janji dengan sukses dan semepet-mepetnya sama jam janjian. Memang sih untuk alasan yang religius dan karena sang ibu mengajaknya, tapi dengan bodohnya gue merasa sebel dan parahnya gue sebel banget karena gue sebel sama dia! Gue gak ngerti mesti gimana, jadi semalem, gue nekad aja ke PS, untung ada Mariana, sobat baru ketemu di facebook, yang mau menemani gue. Kebetulan juga sih, dia mau ketemuan ma temennya, yang ternyata temennya temen2 gue juga. Hak3! Dunia ini kecil banget seh!

Aneh gak sih gue? Gue sih berasa koq aneh yah... Gue gak pernah kayaknya begini. Apa karena gue cape aja? Apa karena gue terlalu mengharapkan semuany akan mulus-mulus aja? Damn! Gue harusnya bisa untuk tidak terlalu larut, tetapi kenapa sekarang jadi berlarut-larut....

Lalu hal yang ke dua, terjadi siang ini. Gue adalah orang yang ingin membantu semua orang. If I can divided my body into multiple me, I'll do it, as long as they are happy. Tapi gue kadang juga suka nanya, bener gak sih gue bantuin begini, begitu. Dan kebanyakan jawaban mereka adalah, gue terlalu baiklah, pokoknya yang gak oklah, dan terkesan gue sangat egois tidak memikirkan diri sendiri.

Sampai tadi siang, gue membantu untuk mengerjakan sebuah project simple, yang gue juga sebenarnya gak terlalu ikit campur dari awal....

"Itu khan kerjaannya M... Titsi jadi babunya M yah?"

buat gue itu dalem..... banget.... dan gue bingung harus bereaksi apa... gue bingung, dan gue menangis lagi....

Nyaris Gila..

bekerja di entertainment world selama 3 tahun terakhir ini memang selalu membuat gue nyaris gila. karena memang banyak deadline tiba-tiba. Tapi entah kenapa, gue selalu menikmatinya, sebelum ketemu deadline yang saat ini.

bekerja di sebuah perusahan production house yang baru menjejaki dirinya di dunia layar lebar emang sangat membingungkan. apalagi waktu pas awal gue mengijak perusahaan ini mengurus film yang berbudget gila-gilaan ini, gue udah diajak "mari menggila bersama".

lalu pada saat gue merasakan kayaknya gue sendirian aja nih ngerjain film ini, yang pada akhirnya rasa itu terbawa sampai sekarang. It feels like doing everything on my own. Producer yang maunya begini begono, tapi guenya merasa terbebani karena begini begononya butuh duit yang kadang untuk minta duitnya harus sampai kepepet banget baru keluar. Nyaris gila gue rasanya.

Juga pada saat ini, gue memang benar-benar nyaris gila, karena gue sendiri! Sendirian ngejar begini ngejar begitu, kesandung begini, kesandung begitu. Iyah, gue nangis, karena gue panik, gak ngerti harus gimana lagi. Sampe gue sempet nanya ke temen gue, gimana caranya supaya ditelan bumi secepatnya. Karena emang gue udah gak ngerti mesti gimana lagi.

Kalau gue saat ini mau bilang, sang pacar menyelematkan gue dan pikiran nyaris gila gue, emang bener koq! Entah kenapa, gue sangat merasa bersyukur ada dia di sini. Gue nangis depan dia. Di titik ini gue akhirnya mengalah pada ketakutan dan kepanikan gue di depan dia. Beruntungnya gue, sangat beruntung, setidaknya dia memberikan titik-titik cerah, dan saat ini memang yang harus gue lakuin hanyalah berdoa supaya titik-titik cerah itu menjadi terang. Tapi setidaknya gue mempunyai dia untuk gue berpegangan.

"Thank you, Ge. I love you. Loads!"

datang juga

dari semalem gue punya feeling gak enak tentang hari ini dan emang beneran terjadi..... gak bt sih, tapi jadi bigung mesti gimana.... hak3!!!

so, yeah, the guy i like is in the office, and no one has ever made me laugh or smile the whole day like what he does to me every day and with a call before going to sleep.. that is why i like him...

yesterday, with my big and stupid curiosity, i opened the photos archive at the office. I saw his photo with his X, and yes, she is pretty... at this ppoint I was loosing definitely my confidence.... me? sure!!!! i just lost it like that..... the girl was one of the employees in here too, then i don't know the story why did they break up or why the girl left the office.... not because i'm ignorant, it's just that i don't feel like want to know... that is all... it's normal, right?

and yeah.. it happened today... the x came to the office this morning...... she was there, standing there in front of me, hugging and kissing him.... they still called each other names.... and i just there....

and i just lost everything...... dunno what to say or react.... stupid huh?

pusing karena apple??

sebenarnya post ini gue mau ketik kemarin, tapi gak sempet euy, karena di kantor ada acara buka bersama, and i had to organize it. Oh well, sebenarnya ini yah yang pengen gue ceritain aja tentang senin dan selasa. Hie3x....

Jadi senin sore gue mendapat telpon yang gue pikir mau diajak nonton :
EP: sibuk gak?
gw: gak sih, kenapa? mau ngajak nonton? (udah senyum senyum gak penting)
EP: gak sih, pengen minta ditemenin ke Sency.....
gw: ngapain ke sency?
EP: mau beli macbook baru...
gw: cieeeeeee........

yah pada akhirnya sih gue rasa malam itu gue emang harus ngikut dan menemani bapak itu membawa segepok uang untuk membayar si macbook putih nan manis dan cantik itu...

aduh, tunggu yah nak, moga-moga akhir tahun ini saya sudah bisa menenteng-nenteng macbook cantik itu.... hak3!!!!!!

selasa pagi, waktu gue mau ke kantor, di jalan koq gue pusing yah? keringet dingin gak penting gitu, dan pada akhirnya nyampe depan ruang ngedit, saya agak-agak lemas dan berkeringat dahsyat. Wah akibat memikirkan macbook semaleman nih tampaknya. hak3!!!

kemudian ada "dia" juga sih, agak-agak panik melihat gue yang tiba-tiba memucat di depan ruang ngedit. hek3x......

aahh, aku jadi maluuuuuu.... wakaakakkakakkakkakkakkk....

malemnya, ternyata setelah selesai acara buka puasa bersama, saya baru nyadar kalau tinggal saya dan "dia" saja di kantor.... gak ada satpam pula.... eitss, kami ke Sency donk akhirnya... bertemu dengan sTato Ombak itu. Gelonya, si Tato Ombak itu senyum-senyum gak penting gitu deh pas ngeliat kita berdua.. rese akh..

makan ditraktir sama "dia", soalnya dapat bonus dari si tatoo ombak itu.... hak3!!! makasihh kamyuuuu.... :P

pulangnya, si tatoo ombak lupa markir dimana, akhirnya dengan mobil kantor, muterin parkiran sency yang B1, demi mobil si tatoo ombak...

Tatoo ombak janji mau ngasih referensi tempat bikin tatoo.... duh waktunya nambah tatoo nih... penting bok!

"Dia" nganter pulang ke kost... duh, senangnya.... hak3!!!

*blushing mode on*

Bingung dengan Hati

Lagi bingung nih, bingung banget... Biasalah masalah hati. Tapi bingungnya seru banget, secara yang dibingungin juga seru banget sih. Hak3!!!

Yang bikin bingung itu bisa bikin gue ketawa banget, senyum-senyum sendiri, aduh.... sampe senyum-senyum gak penting gitu deh. Hak3!!!

Udah akh, gue jadi bingung sendiri mau nulis apaan. Soalnya emang lagi bingung dan senang juga!! Senang sampai suka senyum-senyum itu loh!!! Hak3!!!

Ahhh.. di kantor nih sabtu-sabtu begini, jadi rindu sama dia nih....

Seek to?

Curhatan Post nih...

Semalam, gue nangis.... karena:

1. i'm scared loosing faith in Him
2. gue masin mencintai dia yang seharusnya udah bisa gue relain untuk menjadi milik orang lain..
3. the problem at my home isn't getting better..
4. i need my best friends...
5. tired... really tired...

itu aja sih.... dan pagi ini bangun kesiangan....

Waiting for Butterfly

Saat ini gue lagi berbunga-bunga sih.... Tapi gak tahu juga harus gimana... Yang bikin bunganya jauh soalnya.... JAUH BANGET! Gara-gara salah satu aplikasi facebook, akhirnya gue terjebak dengan salah satu pemain di aplikasi tersebut...

It seems a bit funny though.... He's younger than me, and he treats me very very nice. He texts me almost everyday, he tells me what he does or going to do. He even told his mom about me and the mom said hi. LOL.. Well, I don't want to ruin everything, I know I shouldn't be expecting a lot, but I just feel... happy... yup, that's the feeling.. happy.... Sometimes he makes surpises, like making a quick call, just to say that he misses me and yeah, that was the nicest thing he did to me this couple of days, made a long distance call.

Sound like a desperation? Not actually, it really distracts me from guys that i only have feelings for them for like.... 3 days? LOL.... But honestly, I feel happy... :)

He said that he'll be here next year... should I wait?

no comment...

entered the 3rd week, and still I don't know whether my soul is here or not... I'm confused... Is it because I'm leaving my comfort zone??

help..... really need a help.....

loosing it

i don't really get it now. I'm loosing it. I'm loosing my confidence and my comfort....
I'm lost.. I need help, though I have a boyfriend, but still I realized that sumthin' is missing... and I don't know what is that....

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

did he lie to me? Did Mba I tell me the truth? Did she tell her the real story? because I really don't know everything!!!!!!

I don't know whom to trust anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

what am I?

I'm in love now... with him... totally... I want to be with him together.... forever.....

But I'm jealous if she goes with her new friends and doesn't tell stories anymore.. I feel left behind....

Is this right??? What am I? Should I feel like this? I'm confused.....

for the day

this morning I went through it perfectly.... nothing bad happened... less traffic jam... less rain and less chaoz.... not really perfect though...

went to reload pictures this afternoon to give GIE's posters to be brought by them to Rotterdam, since they leave earlier.... afterwards had lunch with peter at fish and chips kemang. Kinda miss him though.. But really don't understand about him....

Now?? Trying to figure out what to do at the office.... so cold...