another your story

it's you and another of your lovers..... you @stevebarnabas and her @ayiiueo ......... can't you just stop hurting me??? STOP LYING!!! LEAVE ME!!!! I'M TIRED OF YOU!!!

you're just another liar.... once a liar... will always be a liar... once a cheater.. will always be a cheater... gotta say goodbye to you soon.... soon... i gotta close the book...

Another monolog of mine

Me: Why?
Heart & Mind: We didn't know what it was coming...
Me: WHY????
Heart & Mind: We're sorry...
Me: I HATE MY LIFE!!!!
Heart & Mind:..... no one's to blame
Me: He's no sun of mine!!!! He's just another asshole.... He's juts another man who hurt me...
Heart & Mind: .........
Me: Shit happens... Shit happened....
Heart & Mind: What do you want to do?
Me: I want to hate him, he doesn't deserve to be happy... not at all... I want him to feel miserable... To feel what I feel.... To cry until he doesn't have anymore tears....
Heart: Are you sure?
Mind: DO IT!
Me: AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heart: forgive him...
Me: NO! NEVER!!!! Whenever I forgive someone, it ended with I'm the one whose hurt! NEVER!
Mind: then don't forgive him...
Me: ............................ i wanna die......
Heart: Don't...
Mind: .................
Me: I don't know anymore whom to trust
Heart: God..
MInd: bullshit...
Me:.......... let me go, God, from this love... it kills me.... it kills me....
Heart & Mind:..........

......................................................

Being me..

There are reasons in every actions that I take... Yes, I'm doing something because of something something... There's a reason why I become what I am now... I'm not ignorant, I'm just trying to laid back... easy person and calm... I'm trying to get things done not with anger and hatred, just a fun feeling and finally resulting a win win solution.....

Whenever I feel sad, anger and hatred, those feelings made me down.... I have this tendency to feel depression, and I don't want it... Bipolar Disorder.... Though I haven't been diagnosed as a bipolar, but yes, I have the tendency to become one. I don't want it, I don't want to live as a loner girl..... I don't want to take pills... I don't want to have to meet a shrink once a week or once a month... It's hard you know, to have control to those negative thoughts and feelings...

I've been trying to give myself all to God, some positive changes do happen, slow one, but sure.. So bear with me.. I need to adapt and I need you to understand it... Don't push me too hard.... Because all I can do now is crying....

Moving...

Yeah... I'm trying to move on... If that means I have to move to other town to forget you... I will... I'm right now...

Still love you, but loving you now is killing me slowly...

The Different Me

Yes.. here I am.....

Been awhile... since.... the last time I post something here....

My life now, I don’t know whether I should say it getting worst, flat or just keeps better. My love life sucks, my real job is now, uhm, all I can say is I need a raise, my side jobs keep me living, and me? myself? been to the gym for the last 2 months, try to keep healthy.

Actually, the reason why I go to gym because I want to go to Bali this December. I want to be in better shape. Well, that was my purpose before something ruined it. Well, one the bosses at the office told me that we are going to make a movie, Yeay!!!! but the thing is, they need me to help them...... D’oh.... Since they wanted to start the production next year, i meant early next year, so there will be no Bali for me this December! Goodbye my precious Bali.... So, after they decided on my life like that, hell, why not I work as hell! Yes! Now i have two “other offices”, like this two production house that pay me better than my office. Pay me better in a way, that pay me based on projects, but they do pay me good! Actually, I can quit the office and just work for both of them, but the thing is, I love making movies, and this is my chance to really learn how to make one. Like really being involved in a production. It’s challenging, and this is what I’ve been looking for. So, here I am, been busy like hell, well, not really now, I’m enjoying the life at home, since I’m almost like a month didn’t go back home, and have bitsy tiny time to update you guys about my life.

I have been having fun though with the real job, been to Wamena, Papua. Fantastic place...

Secondly, about the love life... This is the hardest part. I don’t know what happened between us, I’ve tried everything, but it seemed it just won’t work out. I did everything he wanted in a relationship, but now, it’s just.... I don’t know.... got lost, with the love feelings that I have for him.....

This afternoon, two words came out of my mind, bipolar disorder, yes, I’m so afraid that’ll happen again if I loose him, but I have to be strong right? I’m so pathetic and weak....

Well... I don’t know what will happen in the future, all I can do now is only do the best, right?

Kembali ke....

Yesh! Gw kembali ke rumah sakit, 4 hari, diagnosa penyakit? Undiagnosed! Ha3x! Gejala Db ada tapi bukan... Gejala tipes ada tapi juga bukan... Bingung khan? Nyokap memutuskan akhirnya gw di rumah sakit aja, soalnya tromobosit juga turun mendadak....

Di detik-detik keberangkatan gw untuk berangkat ke Papua, kenapa harus sakit sih??? Untung banget sih diundur jadwalnya, karena si klien juga sibuk bener... Keq3x...

2 minggu yang cukup menyebalkan di rumah dan di rumah sakit, karena 1 minggu pertama, asli gw gak bisa ngapa-ngapain. Makanan semua rasanya jadi aneh, kata adek gw sih itu karena pas panas gw mencapai 40 derajat, yah semuanya jadi aneh, enzim dan sistem imun gw berubah total. Sebel banget sih, gw gak bisa makan 1 minggu pertama, karena semua yang masuk di mulut gw itu rasanya aneh, even rasanya air minum itu juga aneh! Gw mencoba minum jus... pwwweeeehhhhh!!!! Pengen nangis rasanya... Tapi mau gimana lagi.... 

Yah bener juga sih keputusan nyokap buat masukin gw ke rumah sakit, karena akhirnya gw dikasih obat mual, dan obat apalah itu lagi yang bisa bikin gw bisa makan. Makan bubur terus plus lauk2nya sih.. dan gradually makanan itu satu2 bisa gw abisin, walaupun pas di hari terakhir gak gw abisin, karena tiba-tiba gw ngidam mcd... Hahahhahahhaaa!!!

Hari kepulangan gw dirayakan dengan memesan PHD! Rada kalap makannya.. sambil tidur dikit, karena gw masih pusink buat duduk, tapi dahsyat bok! Gw bener-bener makan! Nyokap sih senyum-senyum aja, secara akhirnya gw bisa makan.... Keq3x... 

Ya sudahlah, gw mau sehat lagi nih... Balik sudah ke kantor... Secara mau berangkat ke Papua.... maarriiii!!!!!!!

Love Will Kill

Hampir sebulan dari tanggal gw berangkat ke dili... dan hampir sebulan juga.. dari kedatangan gw pulang dari dili... dan hampir sebulan juga.... dia berubah....

I dreamt fro 7 months and it was ruined in 10 days..

I was confused and didn't know what to do....

Now, my love either a burden for him or he just simply doesn't love me as mush as he used to be.....

My friend told me.... Give both a break.... And I do.... and I suffered.... from my love for him.....

and i simply killed slowly... by this love....

Sebal Sendiri

Hebat, dalam 1 hari saya bisa bikin 2 postingan, hie3x.... Well, mungkin emang lagi seru aja nih kondisi hati dan pikiran, dan gak jelas juga sih. 

2 hari kemarin pikiran gue juga nyangkut di seorang teman yang ayahnya sedang masuk rumah sakit, dan yang pasti gue berdoa untuk kesembuhannya.

Gue lagi sakit nih! Percaya diri gue masih sakit alias masih sangat sangat rendah. Entah yah, gue jadi gampang nangis dan pada akhirnya selalu membanding-bandingkan diri gue dengan yang lainnya. Jadinya gue sebal sama diri sendiri, sebel banget! Jadi gampang nangis dan langsung menyingkir. Ah entah yah, gak enaknya juga sama pacar, karena dia jadi kena imbasnya, gue jadi aneh dan menyebalkan, dan the worst part is, gue jadi sebal sama diri sendiri!

So, help!!!! 

menyesal

yap! udah mau seminggu nih dan gue masih tersiksa ma batuk karena brochitis gue!!! aarrgghh!!! sebal!!!

iyah, gue menyesal karena kembali ngerokok lagi kira-kira dari bulan mei lalu....
menyesal karena lebih mencintai kerjaan daripada diri sendiri...
menyesal karena tidak menjaga kesehatan dengan baik..

whuaaaaa...... iyaaahh saya akan memulai lagi dengan baik dan benar.... huw3x..

lagipula si pacar sekarang udah dititipin mandat gitu ma nyokap... gak boleh jajan gorengan dan makanan2 yang bikin kolesterol dan asam urat naik...

mari yukkk mariii dijalankan hidup sehatnya....

tears drop...

koq gue dalam waktu kurang dari 12 jam, udah nangis 2 kali yah? Bingung euy.. Gue lagi cape banget kali yah? Gue marah, kesel, bt, dan gak ngerti mesti ngapain lagi. Alasan gue menangis pertama kali adalah, pacar membatalkan janji dengan sukses dan semepet-mepetnya sama jam janjian. Memang sih untuk alasan yang religius dan karena sang ibu mengajaknya, tapi dengan bodohnya gue merasa sebel dan parahnya gue sebel banget karena gue sebel sama dia! Gue gak ngerti mesti gimana, jadi semalem, gue nekad aja ke PS, untung ada Mariana, sobat baru ketemu di facebook, yang mau menemani gue. Kebetulan juga sih, dia mau ketemuan ma temennya, yang ternyata temennya temen2 gue juga. Hak3! Dunia ini kecil banget seh!

Aneh gak sih gue? Gue sih berasa koq aneh yah... Gue gak pernah kayaknya begini. Apa karena gue cape aja? Apa karena gue terlalu mengharapkan semuany akan mulus-mulus aja? Damn! Gue harusnya bisa untuk tidak terlalu larut, tetapi kenapa sekarang jadi berlarut-larut....

Lalu hal yang ke dua, terjadi siang ini. Gue adalah orang yang ingin membantu semua orang. If I can divided my body into multiple me, I'll do it, as long as they are happy. Tapi gue kadang juga suka nanya, bener gak sih gue bantuin begini, begitu. Dan kebanyakan jawaban mereka adalah, gue terlalu baiklah, pokoknya yang gak oklah, dan terkesan gue sangat egois tidak memikirkan diri sendiri.

Sampai tadi siang, gue membantu untuk mengerjakan sebuah project simple, yang gue juga sebenarnya gak terlalu ikit campur dari awal....

"Itu khan kerjaannya M... Titsi jadi babunya M yah?"

buat gue itu dalem..... banget.... dan gue bingung harus bereaksi apa... gue bingung, dan gue menangis lagi....

Nyaris Gila..

bekerja di entertainment world selama 3 tahun terakhir ini memang selalu membuat gue nyaris gila. karena memang banyak deadline tiba-tiba. Tapi entah kenapa, gue selalu menikmatinya, sebelum ketemu deadline yang saat ini.

bekerja di sebuah perusahan production house yang baru menjejaki dirinya di dunia layar lebar emang sangat membingungkan. apalagi waktu pas awal gue mengijak perusahaan ini mengurus film yang berbudget gila-gilaan ini, gue udah diajak "mari menggila bersama".

lalu pada saat gue merasakan kayaknya gue sendirian aja nih ngerjain film ini, yang pada akhirnya rasa itu terbawa sampai sekarang. It feels like doing everything on my own. Producer yang maunya begini begono, tapi guenya merasa terbebani karena begini begononya butuh duit yang kadang untuk minta duitnya harus sampai kepepet banget baru keluar. Nyaris gila gue rasanya.

Juga pada saat ini, gue memang benar-benar nyaris gila, karena gue sendiri! Sendirian ngejar begini ngejar begitu, kesandung begini, kesandung begitu. Iyah, gue nangis, karena gue panik, gak ngerti harus gimana lagi. Sampe gue sempet nanya ke temen gue, gimana caranya supaya ditelan bumi secepatnya. Karena emang gue udah gak ngerti mesti gimana lagi.

Kalau gue saat ini mau bilang, sang pacar menyelematkan gue dan pikiran nyaris gila gue, emang bener koq! Entah kenapa, gue sangat merasa bersyukur ada dia di sini. Gue nangis depan dia. Di titik ini gue akhirnya mengalah pada ketakutan dan kepanikan gue di depan dia. Beruntungnya gue, sangat beruntung, setidaknya dia memberikan titik-titik cerah, dan saat ini memang yang harus gue lakuin hanyalah berdoa supaya titik-titik cerah itu menjadi terang. Tapi setidaknya gue mempunyai dia untuk gue berpegangan.

"Thank you, Ge. I love you. Loads!"

dumb?

bego... berasa bego aja sih.... tolol.... itu aja... gak salah khan??? trus gue mesti gimana?

datang juga

dari semalem gue punya feeling gak enak tentang hari ini dan emang beneran terjadi..... gak bt sih, tapi jadi bigung mesti gimana.... hak3!!!

so, yeah, the guy i like is in the office, and no one has ever made me laugh or smile the whole day like what he does to me every day and with a call before going to sleep.. that is why i like him...

yesterday, with my big and stupid curiosity, i opened the photos archive at the office. I saw his photo with his X, and yes, she is pretty... at this ppoint I was loosing definitely my confidence.... me? sure!!!! i just lost it like that..... the girl was one of the employees in here too, then i don't know the story why did they break up or why the girl left the office.... not because i'm ignorant, it's just that i don't feel like want to know... that is all... it's normal, right?

and yeah.. it happened today... the x came to the office this morning...... she was there, standing there in front of me, hugging and kissing him.... they still called each other names.... and i just there....

and i just lost everything...... dunno what to say or react.... stupid huh?

Seek to?

Curhatan Post nih...

Semalam, gue nangis.... karena:

1. i'm scared loosing faith in Him
2. gue masin mencintai dia yang seharusnya udah bisa gue relain untuk menjadi milik orang lain..
3. the problem at my home isn't getting better..
4. i need my best friends...
5. tired... really tired...

itu aja sih.... dan pagi ini bangun kesiangan....

Kebingungan....

Gila! gue bingung abes2an....
AAAARRGGGGG!!!
GGAaaaHHHHaaahhHHH!!!!!

udah akh nunggu besok gimana keputusannya...

NyEd!

Post ini gue dedikasikan untuk para PENGEMUDI WANITA!!!! Perjuangkan hak loe untuk nyetir mobil tanpa DIREMEHKAN OLEH PENGEMUDI LAKI-LAKI BRENGSEK NYEBELIN KAYAK T**LAH POKOKNYA!!!

Jadi begini ceritanya teman-teman tercinta. Semalem itu gue lagi nyetir mobil yang sangat dirawat ma adek gue, jadi gue nyetir juga dengan sangat hati-hati donk, dan penuh kasih sayanglah intinya. Adapun di dalam mobil bersama gue itu ms. Meimei sama si Tukang Pajak, sedang menyetir dengan penuh pengharapan akan menyantap martabak super enak di Fatmawati yang bernaung dibawah nama Bandung Raya (gak buka cabang bok kata doi).

Wajar donk yah kalau kita-kita ngobrol di mobil, dan gue nyetirnya juga santai gitu. gak terburu-buru kayak dikejar setan juga! Lepas dari lampu merah Pasaraya (ceritanya gue mau lewat Prapanca), ada mobil kayak t*i tiba-tiba mepet ke arah mobil gue! Secaraaaaa gue itu lagi bener-bener di dalam jalur yang ditengah boss! Lagi enak banget lah, santai gitu deh pokoknya! Klakson kecil.. *tint*.. gue pikir dia bakalan AKAN TIDAK MEPETIN gue lagi, ternyata gue salah! Dia sejajarin mobilnya sama mobil gue, langsung boss dipepet lagi! Gila! Osmosis jiwa gue tentu saja terbakar menggila! Yah gak langsung sih, pasti khan pelan-pelan dulu, klason sekali, dua kali, ampe ketiga kali klakson panjang, itu mobil brengsek bener-bener mepetin gue sampe gue hampir kena pembatas jalanan yang di perempatan wijaya situ.

Maklumlah, secara jiwa gue preman, gue nengok deh ke arah yang nyetir si mobil brengsek itu, an*ing bener dah, dia mlaha berkomentar, "kenapa sih? kenapa?".. ANJROTTT!!!! Gue digituin??? Turun boss dari mobil!!! Gila pa pegimane??? Gue cuman berharap dia minta maaf, atau seenggaknya jangan nyolot kayak T** kambing gitulah!

Gue gedor jendelanya dia, si ms. Meimei mencoba untuk nenangin gue, gimana gue tambah gak tenang kalau semua kata-katanya dia ngeremehin gue sebagai PEREMPUAN!!!!! Gue tambah gak terima donk!! Buat gue si bapak2 berkumis gendut menjijikkan itu udah kayak pemerkosa mental perempuan dan tipe-tipe orang yang berpikir kalau perut mereka dipamerin pasti ceweq2 suka... dan tipe-tipe seperti itulah yang GUE BENCI!!! And he picked the wrong woman to fight!!!

Si Tukang Pajak juga turun dari mobil gue, soalnya si bapak2 gendut menjijikkan itu udah buka pintu, takutnya dia malah mukul gue. Tapi pasti gue ladenin koq! Soalnya gue pelototin abis2an! Karena jujur aja, if you women were there hearing what was he saying, loe semua pasti marah abis-abisan dan akan merasa diremehkan gila-gilaan sebagai perempuan dan pengemudi.

Karena gue gak enak ama temen-temen gue, akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk memotret plat nomornya dan muke die, tapi yang berhasil cuman plat nomornya doank, kacanya dia agak gelap, jadi gue gak bisa motret dengan baik, secara hape gue gak ada flashlightnya juga yah.... dan plat nomornya adalahB 8089TU, Kijang Innova warna silver!!!

Mungkin emang dia sopir seseorang atau yang punya mobil, but who cares? Yang mau gue tekankan disini adalah, buat loe-loe semua yang punya sopir laki-laki dan juga pengemudi laki-laki, tolong yah jangan mentang-mentang loe laki-laki jadi arogan di jalan dan meremehkan pengemudi perempuan! Gimana kalau loe punya anak perempaun atau istri loe yang digituin? Hukum Karma itu ada, boss!!!

So watch your self on the street, Ladies!

Ngek!! Dang Ding Dong!!

Mulai semalem gue udah membuat jarak yang menurut gue cukup antara gue dan mantan gue. Kenapa? Karena gue sangat marah dan sakit hati dengan apa yang dia perbuat ke gue.

Dan juga gue kayaknya harus mulai sadar juga nih kalau my life is not as beautiful as fairy tales....

Wake up, woman!!!!!

Sabtu kemaren ini gue akhirnya meluangkan waktu untuk sepupu-sepupu gue, k patra dan k ega. Meluangkan waktu yang berkualitas dengan mereka lumayan memebuka mata gue untuk lebih waspada kepada sekeliling gue, terutama pria-pria yang gak jelas. Jadilah gue disini sekarang merenungi segalanya, dan emang ternyata gue lemah ma cowok dan rayuan-rayuannya gombalnya itu. AArrgghhhh!!!!! Aku sangat bt!!!! Oh well, sekarang yang pasti sih gue harus sangat tegas dan waspada terhadap semuanyaaaaaa!!!!!!

SEMANGAATT!!! GIRL POWER!!!!!

Aahhh.. moga-moga hati ini jadi tambah kuat euy... soalnya lagi menghadapi tantangan lagi.... Keq3x...

Nyadar donk!

Hak3!! Gue emang lagi kena ujian hidup nih tampaknya. Apakah gue harus tetap bersabar, menangis, atau..... atau.. kesedihan-kesedihan lainnya??

Mau sekuat apapun gue, ternyata gue emang belum kuat untuk menghadapi kenyataan bahwa gue harus menunggu! Bersabar! Ngantri intinya!!! But should I just keep silent atau speak out yah??

Disinilah dilemma gue biasanya berjalan dengan sangat lancar, lewat aja gitu ke depan muka gue dan nangkring disitu ampe gue bego atau gue memutuskan untuk mencari jalan lain atau ngelompatin si dilemma itu. Apakah ini termasuk dalam clue-clue kehidupan gue? Gila, semakin gue gak ngerti!

Harusnya gue move on... move on move on move on move on.... gue gak mau diliputi kesedihan lagi!!!! Tapi... tapi... I just need to face the fact!!! F.A.C.E I.T!!!

But truly facts are less hurt than lies....

Diagnosed....

Bronchitis is an inflammation of the bronchi (medium-size airways) in the lungs. Acute bronchitis is usually caused by viruses or bacteria and may last several days or weeks. Chronic bronchitis is not necessarily caused by infection and is generally part of a syndrome called chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD); it is defined clinically as a persistent cough that produces sputum (phlegm)and mucus, for at least three months in two consecutive years.

taken from here.

what should I do??

• stop smoking
• live a healthy life
• exercise.... well, advised to do so
• no very-late-sleeping
• less stress

Help!!!!!! :(

That's IT!

SHIT! I had it! I had enough of you!
I respected you, woman! Because he used to love you and I'm still feeling guilty about that!
I never mentioned your name or even your e-mail!!!!! But you just did something that was so hurting me!
I never called you bitch, but you did! I defended you in front him, because he didn't want to see you again!
You never knew what I did for you! I tried so many times to convinced him to get back to you!
But it's his choice not to! So don't mess with me, girl! But you did! So, here I go...

You biatch! What you wrote in your sms to me was so bullshit! You twisted the fact that you're the one who's not there for him! You're the one who abandoned him! I told you several fucking times, that I didn't know about you from the beginning! And I did break up with that stupid boy becayse he made my pocket empty!!! read the blog carefully biatch! or should I read it for you?
Here... I put it here!

[Yup, I'm in love with a guy that I really feel can complete mylife.....
Not long after I met him, I decided to end my relationship with my boyfriend.
Because I don't want to hurt him longer and also have a boyfriend like that really empty my pocket....]
dated Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Now can you read that?

So what if he's happy with me now? Jealous because you couldn't make him happy? That's your problem!
I love him the way he is and I never demand anything for him except for his honesty...
I always listened to what he wants to say and try no to be so selfish like what you did to him!
I never complaintabout his past, like you did!
I never compared him to another guy, like you did!
I always trust him, but you didn't!

I was really offended of your sayings in your blog: [so horny and can't stay single?]
what's up with you, biatch? You and your own judgement...... I can't belive you could say something like that..

As I said before... I respected you and I know you hate me... But I never called you BITCH!!! And why did you have to do that? and why did you have to put my e-mail address in your blog? You expected somebody will e-mail me to go fug me? Damn bitch! I respected your privacy and I never, not even once, try to make fun of you!
But you just did it... you just ruined that respect and privacy....

So, Vira or Vla, vlara_croft@yahoo.com, or whoever you are.... Try to see again what had happened in the past with you two before you start to blame everybody? By the way, he did show up to your house, remember? Or it was his spirit that went there? DUGH!