I'm back


I'm back and I'm here to stay...
I'm here and I will not move again...
I'm staying here because I need to stay here...
This is where I supposed to be....

I'm back because our story has ended....
It ended when you put your heart to another woman..
Yes, it killed me and still killing me slowly..
I hate you from the deepest of my heart
I want to scream at you and saying things

You don't deserve to be happy....
You never did make me happy....

So here I am....

......... I'm back.... alone....

Being me..

There are reasons in every actions that I take... Yes, I'm doing something because of something something... There's a reason why I become what I am now... I'm not ignorant, I'm just trying to laid back... easy person and calm... I'm trying to get things done not with anger and hatred, just a fun feeling and finally resulting a win win solution.....

Whenever I feel sad, anger and hatred, those feelings made me down.... I have this tendency to feel depression, and I don't want it... Bipolar Disorder.... Though I haven't been diagnosed as a bipolar, but yes, I have the tendency to become one. I don't want it, I don't want to live as a loner girl..... I don't want to take pills... I don't want to have to meet a shrink once a week or once a month... It's hard you know, to have control to those negative thoughts and feelings...

I've been trying to give myself all to God, some positive changes do happen, slow one, but sure.. So bear with me.. I need to adapt and I need you to understand it... Don't push me too hard.... Because all I can do now is crying....

Friend's Visit

Imagination....

Just an imagination of how does it feel....

To erase all pain

Imagination...

Just an imagination of how does it fell...

To have a new life...

I welcome you...

My pain...

Funny things...

Isn't funny to be sad to the things you've expected?

What was the reason to be sad?

I don't know....

Between relieve and sad..... ha3!!! I guess I have those small things called 'love' for you...

Now I should move on.... :) alone or not... :)

Be prepared world.....

Next, WORLD DOMINATION!!!!

....Call me coward....

I'm stepping back from the game.....

Call me coward.... But I'm afraid.... Afraid of getting hurt...

Or I'm just hallucinating.... I don't know.... What I know is, I'm going to back off.....

Does he have the feeling for me? I don't know..... Finding out is...... I don't know how....

Do I have the feeling for him? If he knew......

I'm scared.... afraid.....

Call me coward.... But I don't know...

...........

The Different Me

Yes.. here I am.....

Been awhile... since.... the last time I post something here....

My life now, I don’t know whether I should say it getting worst, flat or just keeps better. My love life sucks, my real job is now, uhm, all I can say is I need a raise, my side jobs keep me living, and me? myself? been to the gym for the last 2 months, try to keep healthy.

Actually, the reason why I go to gym because I want to go to Bali this December. I want to be in better shape. Well, that was my purpose before something ruined it. Well, one the bosses at the office told me that we are going to make a movie, Yeay!!!! but the thing is, they need me to help them...... D’oh.... Since they wanted to start the production next year, i meant early next year, so there will be no Bali for me this December! Goodbye my precious Bali.... So, after they decided on my life like that, hell, why not I work as hell! Yes! Now i have two “other offices”, like this two production house that pay me better than my office. Pay me better in a way, that pay me based on projects, but they do pay me good! Actually, I can quit the office and just work for both of them, but the thing is, I love making movies, and this is my chance to really learn how to make one. Like really being involved in a production. It’s challenging, and this is what I’ve been looking for. So, here I am, been busy like hell, well, not really now, I’m enjoying the life at home, since I’m almost like a month didn’t go back home, and have bitsy tiny time to update you guys about my life.

I have been having fun though with the real job, been to Wamena, Papua. Fantastic place...

Secondly, about the love life... This is the hardest part. I don’t know what happened between us, I’ve tried everything, but it seemed it just won’t work out. I did everything he wanted in a relationship, but now, it’s just.... I don’t know.... got lost, with the love feelings that I have for him.....

This afternoon, two words came out of my mind, bipolar disorder, yes, I’m so afraid that’ll happen again if I loose him, but I have to be strong right? I’m so pathetic and weak....

Well... I don’t know what will happen in the future, all I can do now is only do the best, right?

Kembali ke....

Yesh! Gw kembali ke rumah sakit, 4 hari, diagnosa penyakit? Undiagnosed! Ha3x! Gejala Db ada tapi bukan... Gejala tipes ada tapi juga bukan... Bingung khan? Nyokap memutuskan akhirnya gw di rumah sakit aja, soalnya tromobosit juga turun mendadak....

Di detik-detik keberangkatan gw untuk berangkat ke Papua, kenapa harus sakit sih??? Untung banget sih diundur jadwalnya, karena si klien juga sibuk bener... Keq3x...

2 minggu yang cukup menyebalkan di rumah dan di rumah sakit, karena 1 minggu pertama, asli gw gak bisa ngapa-ngapain. Makanan semua rasanya jadi aneh, kata adek gw sih itu karena pas panas gw mencapai 40 derajat, yah semuanya jadi aneh, enzim dan sistem imun gw berubah total. Sebel banget sih, gw gak bisa makan 1 minggu pertama, karena semua yang masuk di mulut gw itu rasanya aneh, even rasanya air minum itu juga aneh! Gw mencoba minum jus... pwwweeeehhhhh!!!! Pengen nangis rasanya... Tapi mau gimana lagi.... 

Yah bener juga sih keputusan nyokap buat masukin gw ke rumah sakit, karena akhirnya gw dikasih obat mual, dan obat apalah itu lagi yang bisa bikin gw bisa makan. Makan bubur terus plus lauk2nya sih.. dan gradually makanan itu satu2 bisa gw abisin, walaupun pas di hari terakhir gak gw abisin, karena tiba-tiba gw ngidam mcd... Hahahhahahhaaa!!!

Hari kepulangan gw dirayakan dengan memesan PHD! Rada kalap makannya.. sambil tidur dikit, karena gw masih pusink buat duduk, tapi dahsyat bok! Gw bener-bener makan! Nyokap sih senyum-senyum aja, secara akhirnya gw bisa makan.... Keq3x... 

Ya sudahlah, gw mau sehat lagi nih... Balik sudah ke kantor... Secara mau berangkat ke Papua.... maarriiii!!!!!!!

Love Will Kill

Hampir sebulan dari tanggal gw berangkat ke dili... dan hampir sebulan juga.. dari kedatangan gw pulang dari dili... dan hampir sebulan juga.... dia berubah....

I dreamt fro 7 months and it was ruined in 10 days..

I was confused and didn't know what to do....

Now, my love either a burden for him or he just simply doesn't love me as mush as he used to be.....

My friend told me.... Give both a break.... And I do.... and I suffered.... from my love for him.....

and i simply killed slowly... by this love....

Sebal Sendiri

Hebat, dalam 1 hari saya bisa bikin 2 postingan, hie3x.... Well, mungkin emang lagi seru aja nih kondisi hati dan pikiran, dan gak jelas juga sih. 

2 hari kemarin pikiran gue juga nyangkut di seorang teman yang ayahnya sedang masuk rumah sakit, dan yang pasti gue berdoa untuk kesembuhannya.

Gue lagi sakit nih! Percaya diri gue masih sakit alias masih sangat sangat rendah. Entah yah, gue jadi gampang nangis dan pada akhirnya selalu membanding-bandingkan diri gue dengan yang lainnya. Jadinya gue sebal sama diri sendiri, sebel banget! Jadi gampang nangis dan langsung menyingkir. Ah entah yah, gak enaknya juga sama pacar, karena dia jadi kena imbasnya, gue jadi aneh dan menyebalkan, dan the worst part is, gue jadi sebal sama diri sendiri!

So, help!!!! 

Berpikir Positif!

yap! akhirnya, gue menyerah kembali.... untuk ke dokter... checking up what is actualy happen in my body. Semalem tiba-tiba ada gumpalan-gumpalan mengerikan di dalam mulut dan bikin nyokap panik karena gue ngejelasinnya juga lewat tepon.

teman kost bilang itu darah beku, tapi lebih baik di cek aja dulu....
pacar lega karena akhirnya gue ke dokter lagi....

tadi pagi bangun dengan bibir menjeber dan mulut susah banget untuk dibukanya. But Thank God, semalem gue bisa tidur dengan baik, walaupun masih ada batuk-batuk sedikit. Mulut ada sariawan gede banget dan bikin gue susah untuk membuka mulut.... sebal juga..

Iya, nyokap panik, and she really asked me to pray. Hal yang udah lama gak gue lakuin.... Why? I just don't know why....

Iyah, semalem gue berdoa, gue menyanyi, gue menangis... Pagi tadi bagun, gue mencoba untuk bersyukur karena udah dikasih tidur yang lebih baik dari malam-malam sebelumnya. And I did, I thanked Him... Thank You, God....

Beberapa orang bilang, gue stress bekerja disini. gue mengerjakan yang seharusnya bukan gue untuk pelajarin untuk mencapai cita-cita gue. Dari titik ini, gue mencoba untuk membuat kesepakatan dengan diri sendiri. 1 tahun adalah waktu yang gue putuskan untuk menunggu apakah janji yang telah dijanjikan kepada gue waktu gue masuk perusahaan ini akan terlaksana setelah itu.

Sementara menunggu, gue harus selalu berpikir positif, demi diri gue sendiri.

Hidup sehat!


akhirnya tepar.... masa jadi peringatan tahunan sih gue sakitnya? Tahun lalu tepar juga bulan-bulan segini, dan tahun ini juga, dan plus plus pula! Gak cuan bronchitis, tapi kolesterol dan asam urat pun ikutan di belakangnya!!!

yang paling stress? nyokap!!! maap yah ma... pas hari selasa minggu lalu, gue akhirnya pingsan di tengah siang-siang bolong di kantor. Secara istri terkasih juga akhirnya udah sekantor ma gue, tak terhindarkan lagi dia untuk nelpon mak gue. Padahal gue males pulang sebenarnya. Karena di rumah jadi tambah males untuk ngapa2in, tetapi secara didukung juga ma si pacar untuk si istri nelpon mak gue, dan juga berhubung gue juga gak sadar gitu.. yah akhirnya mak gue plus si adek ngejemput gue.

Pas nyokap udah nyampe di kantor bersama dengan sobat karibnya, ditariklaj gue ke restorant depan kantor..... jadilah gue diomelin sepanjang masaaa... huw3x.. maap yah ma karena ngerokok lagi, makannya telat-telat, dan lain-lainnya..

yap, sekarang udah kena batunya deh.... ma si dokter tercinta udah disuruh diet baik2..... hidup sehat! hak3!!! ya udahlah, saya mau mencoba hidup sehat dulu nih... doakan yaahh!!! hie3x...

tears drop...

koq gue dalam waktu kurang dari 12 jam, udah nangis 2 kali yah? Bingung euy.. Gue lagi cape banget kali yah? Gue marah, kesel, bt, dan gak ngerti mesti ngapain lagi. Alasan gue menangis pertama kali adalah, pacar membatalkan janji dengan sukses dan semepet-mepetnya sama jam janjian. Memang sih untuk alasan yang religius dan karena sang ibu mengajaknya, tapi dengan bodohnya gue merasa sebel dan parahnya gue sebel banget karena gue sebel sama dia! Gue gak ngerti mesti gimana, jadi semalem, gue nekad aja ke PS, untung ada Mariana, sobat baru ketemu di facebook, yang mau menemani gue. Kebetulan juga sih, dia mau ketemuan ma temennya, yang ternyata temennya temen2 gue juga. Hak3! Dunia ini kecil banget seh!

Aneh gak sih gue? Gue sih berasa koq aneh yah... Gue gak pernah kayaknya begini. Apa karena gue cape aja? Apa karena gue terlalu mengharapkan semuany akan mulus-mulus aja? Damn! Gue harusnya bisa untuk tidak terlalu larut, tetapi kenapa sekarang jadi berlarut-larut....

Lalu hal yang ke dua, terjadi siang ini. Gue adalah orang yang ingin membantu semua orang. If I can divided my body into multiple me, I'll do it, as long as they are happy. Tapi gue kadang juga suka nanya, bener gak sih gue bantuin begini, begitu. Dan kebanyakan jawaban mereka adalah, gue terlalu baiklah, pokoknya yang gak oklah, dan terkesan gue sangat egois tidak memikirkan diri sendiri.

Sampai tadi siang, gue membantu untuk mengerjakan sebuah project simple, yang gue juga sebenarnya gak terlalu ikit campur dari awal....

"Itu khan kerjaannya M... Titsi jadi babunya M yah?"

buat gue itu dalem..... banget.... dan gue bingung harus bereaksi apa... gue bingung, dan gue menangis lagi....

datang juga

dari semalem gue punya feeling gak enak tentang hari ini dan emang beneran terjadi..... gak bt sih, tapi jadi bigung mesti gimana.... hak3!!!

so, yeah, the guy i like is in the office, and no one has ever made me laugh or smile the whole day like what he does to me every day and with a call before going to sleep.. that is why i like him...

yesterday, with my big and stupid curiosity, i opened the photos archive at the office. I saw his photo with his X, and yes, she is pretty... at this ppoint I was loosing definitely my confidence.... me? sure!!!! i just lost it like that..... the girl was one of the employees in here too, then i don't know the story why did they break up or why the girl left the office.... not because i'm ignorant, it's just that i don't feel like want to know... that is all... it's normal, right?

and yeah.. it happened today... the x came to the office this morning...... she was there, standing there in front of me, hugging and kissing him.... they still called each other names.... and i just there....

and i just lost everything...... dunno what to say or react.... stupid huh?

Seek to?

Curhatan Post nih...

Semalam, gue nangis.... karena:

1. i'm scared loosing faith in Him
2. gue masin mencintai dia yang seharusnya udah bisa gue relain untuk menjadi milik orang lain..
3. the problem at my home isn't getting better..
4. i need my best friends...
5. tired... really tired...

itu aja sih.... dan pagi ini bangun kesiangan....

no comment...

entered the 3rd week, and still I don't know whether my soul is here or not... I'm confused... Is it because I'm leaving my comfort zone??

help..... really need a help.....

akhirnya

setelah 2 tahun berkutat dengan film, time to move on........ sedih juga euy ternyata..... my last day, besok farewell deh.... huw3x..

terima kasih yah buat teman-teman yang sudah mendukung dan membantu saya selalu....

mulai chapter baru nih.... doakan saya!!!!

my dear R.A.T

I saw Robin last night
On a small tube
It was so small
Fragile and unshaped
My Robin with him...

I saw Robin with my eyes
With his eyes....
Our Robin...

Suddenly regretness filled me
I cried a lot
I screamed in my heart
I want my Robin....

But I know...
I can't
We can't.....

Forgive me, God
Forgive us...
Our sweet Robin....

a daughter's scream

How could he did that to my mom??? be a professinal dad!!! and that biatch!!! gosshh!!!!she should find somebody else!!! not my dad!!!

yes dad, I've read all her sms in your inbox.. and I hate her!! I hate you!!!!!
I lost my respect for you!!! I don't know until when I should wear this mask in front of you and her.Don't blame me and armando for not rspecting you anymore. Though you see me and armando often arguing with mom,but that doesn't mean you can do this to her. We love mommy!

I don't care now, I'll show the world one day that you are not as perfect as you think!No dad, now you are not prefect anymore... Not a perfect dad, not a perfect man..

Please dad, before I'm going crazy with your atitude....